Happy Thanksgiving, Suns fans!
@NotRyanMcD here. Today, I’ll be getting into something I’m sure you’ve all been wondering about: If each Suns player were a common Thanksgiving dish, which would they be? Lucky for you, I’m here to share with you all my own answers to that very serious and important question.
Without further ado, here they are!
Booker is the turkey. He is the heart and soul of the team. The main course. The entrée (or as I called them up until about the age of 12, the “entry”). He is the meat of the team. The primary scoring option. When you think of the Suns, you think Devin Booker. When you think of Thanksgiving, you think turkey.
Jae is the cranberry sauce. It’s that little bit of acidity that helps complement the rest of the flavors in the meal. If this was a Mexican dish, he’d be the salsa, obviously. He brings toughness, defense, and a surprising but refreshing willingness to let it fly. Sometimes, that refreshing confidence in shots he may not be hitting doesn’t go so well, sort of like getting a bite of cranberry sauce and… like… mac n cheese.
Ayton is the mashed potatoes. I love mashed potatoes. They’re starchy, and take on the flavors of whatever you include with them. Butter and salt? Mmm mmm mmm. Cheese? Yes, please. Garlic? Absolutely. Good coaching, strong player leadership, and a really good point guard? Delicious. They may not wow you, but they’re warm and fill you up and go well with a lot of stuff.
Cam Johnson is the mac n cheese. When it’s good, oh boy, is it good. When it’s bad… it’s pretty bad. You ever had bland mac n cheese? I’ve gone to enough white people thanksgivings that I’ve had plenty. Baked mac n cheese where I’m like, hey, where’s the cheese? This was false advertising. I got some hard cheese up top, but down low it’s just noodles and despair. This is some bs. Good mac n cheese can legit be the best part of the meal. But you made THIS and destroyed all my hopes and dreams. A curse on both your houses.
Cp3! The Point God! Crisp Paul. Christ Paul. Big Baby Jehovah. Mr. Consistent. The 4th Quarter Maestro. Or as he should henceforth be referred to: The Gravy. CP3 is the gravy of this meal. Turkey is good. Mashed potatoes are good. But by themselves… they aren’t getting much done. Until you add a bit of this deliciousness onto ’em. A dollop of hall of fame point guard gravy and what do you get? An end to a decade-long playoff drought, a trip to the NBA Finals, and currently one of the longest win streaks in Suns history.
Mikal is the green bean casserole. Because he is long like a green bean. And he’s always there, getting the job done. Sometimes he’s a little forgotten in the discourse about the team among national talking heads and twitterers. However, he is an important part of this meal.
You gotta get some greenery in you. During the meal. I don’t mean the greenery from before it started (Shhhh, just meet me and our other cousin out back behind the garage in 10). And green bean casserole makes those vegetables taste amazing. We had it at every Thanksgiving holiday at my house, and I’m sure many other families do too.
Payne is the Kings Hawaiian Rolls (shout out Kings Hawaiian Rolls, yall are the best). They are tasty and are amazing to use with leftover turkey (like playing next to Booker when CP3 sits).
Pie! Shamet is pie. A Shamet pie sounds like it could be a real thing. Pie is delicious. Pecan pie, apple pie, pumpkin pie, sweet potato pie, all are great. Granted, sometimes you’re too full for pie. Like, maybe it’s a close game, and turkey, gravy, and kings hawaiian rolls are all playing really well, and you’re like, I guess I should stick with them. But even then, you could still have a little slice of Shamet pie. It isn’t gonna hurt you. It’s the holidays. Withholding things you enjoy from yourself in the name of health is for January (but like, in this convoluted food analogy. Not in the actual NBA games. Please still use Shamet in January).
Nader is some vegetable everybody passes over. But there’s like two or three people who are like “Oh my GOD this cauliflower is incredible” and everyone’s like “Is it? Is it really? Is the cauliflower good?”
Jalen is like some new dish your cousin brings over and they want you to try it, and you do, and it sucks, and you spit it out, and you don’t want any more of it. Get it out of my sight. Trade it for some nice reliable stuffing or something (Thad Young).
JaVale is the corn. Probably like, some creamed corn, or some other delicious version of it. Maybe some skillet elote. He’s good, but you can’t just have all corn. He doesn’t have staying power. His per36 numbers look almost as good as mashed potatoes, but you know that doesn’t mean he can completely take over for mashed potatoes if you trade mashed potatoes for another star side dish.
Dario Šarić + Frank Kaminsky
Dario and Frank are the dishes you really like, particularly Dario, that someone was supposed to make, but they messed up and now they aren’t part of the dinner. Like some sweet potatoes with marshmallows or something.
I dunno, like… um… a dish that was considered a decent dish at a lesser Thanksgiving. Maybe it was even one of the starting 5 dishes. But here we’re just kind of like “Meh”. Sometimes it’s fun to see it put up almost triple edibles (ba dum cha).
Ish is an after-dinner mint. Hey, maybe you don’t have those at your Thanksgiving, and guess what? I don’t either. But I’m running out of food to call people.
Chandler is a cookie that fell between the oven and the counter, and we’re just going to leave it there because I don’t have the will to deal with that right now. Happy Holidays, folks.
Thanks for reading, be sure to follow @NotRyanMcD on Twitter!
Categories: Phoenix Suns