If Ayton Trade Returns Were Beef

Contributing Writer: @NotRyanMcD

Good morning or afternoon or evening ladies and gentlemen. Today I’ll be answering the question that has been on everyone’s mind recently, the age-old question: In proposed Ayton trade deals, if they were ranked as beef, what would the returns be?

Worry not, friends, for I am here to tell you the answers. If you’re looking for well-thought-out and articulated arguments, or hard-hitting non-beef-related journalism, this isn’t the place for you. It’s the place for beef. And Deandre Ayton trade deal rankings. But not Deandre Ayton beef.

Don’t bring any of that Deandre Ayton beef here. The wars. Or do. That would probably generate views, and God knows I don’t get much of those on the one-ish articles I write per year on here. In fact, Zona had to re-send me my invitation to contribute because I didn’t want to look through my old emails for it, it was that long ago. Now let’s get beefy.


#1. Kevin Durant

Beef Grade: Wagyu

Kevin Durant is like Wagyu steak. He’s really good. Really expensive. And will be the best possible player to add alongside Book and CP3. However, he’s on a deal that’s only for a few years, which is exactly the kind of deal we’d want him on. We certainly don’t want him once that deal is over. Kind of like Wagyu.

A little bit of wagyu is great. Too much and you’ll get a stomach ache because it’s so fatty. See? Sort of a correlation. All of these won’t have that kind of loose tie-in and will probably be pretty non-sensical, so enjoy that one.

#2. OG Anunoby

Beef Grade: Filet Mignon from Ruth’s Chris

OG is a very high-quality player. Young, room to grow, already really good. He’s a defensive ace just like Bridges, so they’d be quite a pairing. Not quite as much scoring as I’d hope for in a player that would presumably be like… the third option?

But beggars can’t be choosers and this would be a very good return. This one has a loose correlation as well. Filet Mignon is really good and it is expensive. It’s very very tender. Almost melt in your mouth. However, it doesn’t have as much flavor (scoring) as some other cuts of steak. So… see? Maybe not. Moving on.

#3. Myles Turner and the 6th pick

Beef Grade: Five Guys Burger with Cajun Fries and a Shake

Myles isn’t quite as high a caliber player as OG, and certainly not Durant, so the beef isn’t nearly as good a cut. But you also get the 6th pick. That’s the cajun fries and shake. Yes, I know. It’s a very good analogy, thank you. Also, Five Guys burgers “slap” as the youths are wont to say.

#4. John Collins

Beef Grade: A decent NY Strip at like… Outback

Collins would be a cool return. Especially if they could figure out a way to get Clint Capela added in there too somehow. I’m not studying this and I listened to that Timeline Podcast with David like a month ago while playing Age of Empires II so I have no idea how it would happen.

Not out of this world or anything, this is a chain restaurant after all, but the cut is good and they know how to cook a decent steak there. Would be cool if we could get that blooming onion with it too though (Clint Capela is a blooming onion in this analogy).

#5. Jerami Grant

Beef Grade: Waffle House Steak (*Disclaimer* I wrote this literally 20 minutes before the Grant to Portland trade)

Waffle House steaks aren’t great. Too thin to cook well and get a nice sear on. Often ends up well done and dry. Pretty bad. Like, coming off an injury and not being the return you’d hope to get for a former #1 overall pick bad.

But they’re still steak. And most steak is pretty okay.  Add a little A1 or something. Maybe if it comes with like eggs and a waffle (a 1st rounder)? I like Grant. I would have probably traded Cam Johnson and salary filler for him last season before his injury in an attempt to improve mid-season. But I don’t like the idea of trading Ayton for him.

#6. Jakob Poeltl

Beef Grade: McDouble left under a warmer for 2 hours and the bread is hard

I hear he’s okay. I know nothing about him. I don’t watch the Spurs. If you’re reading this, there’s a 99.9% chance you know more about the Spurs than me. In fact, I had to think long and hard about who should be the waffle house steak and who should be the McDouble. Grant got to be the waffle house steak because I’m more aware of his existence than Jakob’s.

Also, I think spelling Jeremy Jerami is a lesser sin than spelling Jacob Jakob. And he has one more L in his last name than he should. I promise I don’t actually care I just had to come up with ways to hate on him.

#7. Whatever flotsam Portland tries to send our way. Unless it’s Dame. In which case disregard this completely.

Beef Grade: Some sort of vegan imitation beef alternative

Don’t even mention this to me.



Categories: Phoenix Suns

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